Contrary to popular belief, alcohol will not lift you out of depression and solve all your problems. Yeah I know, it's completely false advertising. However, when properly administered, and with the right dosage, women may accomplish these things.
It was a Friday night in Northern Liberties, and I was standing there, holding a beer with a name like "oblong", trying to look like I wasn't wallowing in a pool of my own self pity and despair. Never mind why, just think of the last time you were trapped at the bottom of the hole.
"It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose!"
While in this state, I had decided it would be a good idea to consume a can of concentrated stimulants and escape out into the night. So far it was not going as planned. I had gotten myself into a huge club packed with lively people, blaring music, and beautiful girls shaking about, and still I felt nothing. My delicious beer was only magnifying my feelings concerning the futility of existence. The Wawa-brand energy drink that I was forced to chug prior to entry had not succeeded in short-circuting my nervous system. I was about to give up and leave, perhaps using the excuse, "I have to get up early tomorrow... so I can shoot myself in the face."
Things were looking grim.
But it was then that I was jerked by the arm and "forced" into dancing with some attractive ladies. I became alive. Serotonin flooded my nerve endings, and my skin glowed with radioactive heat. How mysterious the body is. As terrified as I am of anything resembling a relationship, I can't get enough of brief physical encounters with lovely strangers. It's the best kind of therapy money can't buy. I danced all around and left the club feeling great.
Isn't that a happy ending? And I'll even throw in a moral. Here it is:
Do not look towards alcohol or any other mind-altering substance to bring you up from the bowels of the depressed state. For these intoxicants are shallow and their effects are short lived. Instead, strive to make a transient, physical connection with an attractive part of a beautiful girl's body. Clearly, this is the righteous path towards happiness.
Okay, enough evangelistic moralism. Here's what you need to do to achieve such an effect:
• Develop a dancing style. If you're not comfortable with the way you dance, no one else will be. For me the breakthrough happened when I realized that dancing is all hips. Moving your feet and hands does not make you a dancer anymore than talking on your headset and honking the horn makes you a Philadelphia taxi driver. You also have to actively try to hit people. It's just a part of the job.
• Master "The Bump." This is when you approach a girl from the side, and kind of bump into her while dancing. The key here is getting the pressure right. If you have enough pressure, she'll feel it and you'll be able to tell if she pushes back, which means she's down with dancing. If you push too hard, simply start a fight with the smallest guy near you.
As she recovers from the shock of being hipchecked on to the ground and covered from head to toe in her own beer, she'll see that you are defending her honor by attacking the guy who pushed you into her. Of course, you're really just randomly starting a fight with the least threatening guy at the club, but she won't know that. (Note: If I'm the guy you select... well then, I hate you.)
While I like to test the waters, this step has been proven optional by countless drunk guys everywhere. When I see these guys in action, I'm reminded of the final scene in Borat: "Oh, consent is not necessary!"
That's not how I roll. Here's some tactics I don't use, but I see them all the time, and they're very entertaining.
• Shark Infested Waters - Get your boys together and approach a couple of girls, surround them, and then come in low with your legs open and arms extended upwards. They have no where to go, so if you bring the circle in tight, you will technically be dancing with them. And they won't know it until it's already too late.
• The Face-off - Groove right up to a girl's face, and then continue to approach her as she backs further and further away. Eventually, she'll back into something that won't move, and she'll be forced to acknowledge your existence. If having your existence acknowledged is not important to you, step up behind her and dance with her butt while she continues to converse with her friends. It'll be just like you're not even there.
• The Pole - If you can get near a pole or a column placed in the middle of the club, you can trap any girl who walks between the pole and you. Congratulations, you're now dancing with the girl! ...or you're lying on the floor with your face covered in mace. In which case I'd advise that you continue to move your hips: people might think you're just doing the worm.
Anyone know of any other brilliant dance strategies?